Dear Coleen
I am in a relationship with my partner, and we have two children aged four and two. However, we are experiencing difficulties while living together.
We have noticed that spending time apart improves our relationship, but tensions arise once we are back under the same roof for an extended period. Despite our love for each other, cohabitation at this stage has become challenging.
We often disagree on parenting approaches since he leans towards a more traditional and strict style, while I prefer a more relaxed and lenient approach, granting the children more freedom.
Given that we both work, managing our responsibilities becomes overwhelming, leading to fatigue and frequent irritability, further straining our relationship.
Lately, we have discussed the idea of living separately while maintaining our romantic relationship. Although unconventional, we believe this arrangement could be beneficial for us.
Do you know of other families in a similar situation? My mother is concerned that this decision might lead to my partner shirking childcare responsibilities and pursuing his own interests, as she is not his biggest supporter.
We feel the need for individual spaces, which is challenging to achieve in our small home with two young children.
Coleen’s Response
You inquired about other couples with children living separately, a scenario typically seen in divorced or separated families. Differing parenting styles are common among couples, often resulting in one partner playing the disciplinarian role.
Raising children is demanding, especially during this phase. I recall pondering with my ex-partners, “What did we used to argue about before having kids?”
Taking breaks individually is essential for recharging and resetting, but opting for a permanent living apart arrangement may have lasting implications.
If you decide to pursue separate living arrangements, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries regarding your relationship dynamics and test its feasibility.
Your mother’s apprehension likely stems from the fear that your partner may perceive this as an opportunity to behave independently, potentially neglecting his parental duties. It is vital to agree on equal sharing of parenting responsibilities.
Consider how you both might feel seeing each other socializing separately. Could feelings of resentment or jealousy emerge?
Furthermore, contemplate the impact on your children and how they might perceive this unconventional setup as they mature. It may not differ significantly from a conventional separation or divorce.
Alternatively, you could explore ways to navigate this challenging phase together by arranging childcare and taking breaks as a couple to reconnect.
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